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its been a long time (long time)

February 26th, 2010 · 117 Comments · Uncategorized

Timbaland said it best when he said “I shouldn’t have left you (left you) without a dope beat to step to. Step to. Step to. Step to. Step to. Step to, fikky fikky uh.” Too much?

Anyway, the world is different now. I have a finer appreciation for unintentional hilariousness (not really). All at once, I want to choke a bitch but also slap her on the back, in a display of camaraderie, of sharing in the skill of all that is hilariousness, all for one and one for all!

The other night, I found myself at some sort of impromptu Star Trek convention, hosted by hipsters in the heart of Williamsburg. I know, right? And most of the night was devoted to Star Trek V commentary and also this band Fall On Your Sword, and they kind of make songs out of William Shatner commentary, which was completely appropriate because this whole celebration of sorts was inspired by the birthday of the Shat himself.

The band started playing and my friend and I started dancing, and a lot of things started to happen. “Something around here smells rank. Like mildew vagina.” My friend caught a whiff and agreed. It was a mess. Before we could begin to investigate the source of the stank vaginal smell, I got bumped into a few times by some particularly wild dancers who were flailing their bodies about and generally taking up my personal space. They had silicone elf ear things on, like Orlando Bloom as Legolas in Lord of The Rings. Yeah, I said it. And one of them had a leather jacket on, like… well like anyone who wears a leather jacket at an inappropriate venue, like a sweaty venue with awkward dancing and frankly, not enough liquor in my system. Okay. Fine. But the next day, I opened my purse and out came the vagina stench. And my boss goes “Well, cheap leather just smells bad. No offense.” Then she kind of swung her Louis Vuitton onto her shoulder and made another comment that went something like, I am a cool boss and nothing like a terrible boss like Michael Scott from the office, no never. And then she said something like “Jessica would be good with a black man, don’t you think Rachael?” which I thought was unreasonably, and characteristically so Michael Scott that I couldn’t take it anymore and eventually, after multiple beers, I was forced to take me and my pussy purse elsewhere.

How’s that for starters?

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