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food stamps and skinny jeans go together like things that go together

March 17th, 2010 · 95 Comments · Uncategorized

Last weekend, I was at Brooklyn’s medium-to-high budget version of H&M, browsing about, perusing the inventory. And I mean, nothing but filthy hipsters usually are skulking about in that place, but it was empty besides my friend and I, and also, of course, the workers.

Naturally, I started going on to my anonymous friend about my thunder thigh epidemic. I may or may not have shouted, “I HAVE THUNDER THIGHS. IT’S A PROBLEM.” Who knows the exact words that were actually said that night? I do not. Except maybe one of the workers did.

You see, as soon as we came in, one of the sales assosciate man peoples, was all I’m going to keep standing here at my register completely useless and stare at a wall and have the expression that I’d rather star in a terribly ridiculous music video featuring heinous and scantily clad woman singers, maybe Lady Gaga and Beyonce for instance (I mean, really.) than to be sitting here inside, at this godforsaken overpriced (Really.) hipster sanction that nobody has even bothered to shimmy into. Or at least, that’s what his expression said. Really. I was concerned. Or at least, I felt that I should have been concerned.

But the other sales associate male person was super involved. He was hovering and mostly useless when it came to knowledge of clothing, but he was terribly entertaining and so we forgave him. Especially when he and my friend started talking about how amazing food stamps are. They were all, hooray we are poor, young Brooklynites.  This is life! And I was all, no I’m over it and can’t really participate in this conversation.

But then I overheard that you can get foodstamps when you are poor (Check.) and get like, $200 per month (What the what?) and also spend that on booze, you know, if the grocery store has  booze. WHAT THE WHAT?

If someone would have told me about a. how grocery stores sell the good shit in New York (I’m not actually sure they do. I mean, I’ve seen beer. And I feel like hoodrat grocery stores probably sell forties. So I’m all about it. Forties are my life source) and b. how food stamps are to be used in grocery stores and how they are amaaaaaaaaziiiiiiiing then c. this bitch would have been on food stamps long time ago. I’m talking, elementary school. Okay, no realistically, college. COME ON!

Oh and to follow up on a point, the super attentive sales associate co-man worker tried to convince me that I didn’t have thunder thighs. But then, I gave him the stank-eye so he laughed but then walked away like he was scared. At least he knew what was up.

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